Houston, we have 99 problems.
This edition of 30 in 30 will go through the 99 Problems of the Houston Astros.
1. That fact that I burst out laughing when I first saw the Astros projected starting lineup.
2. The elder statesmen of the Astros are Wandy Rodriguez and Humberto Quintero.
3. The return from trading Roy Oswalt.
4. A problem that I have is that Spring Valley native, J.A. Happ, struggled the way he did last season. Way to make the Prairie State look bad.
5. White Sox reject, Lucas Harrell, will be making an appearance at Spring Training. Yes, he will be competing for a spot in the rotation.
6. The only recognizable players here are over the hill, failed prospects and marginal role players from other squads.
7. If a star emerges this season, he will be traded sooner than later.
8. The return that the Astros received on Lance Berkman. On the bright side, Jimmy Paredes is competing for a spot in the lineup.
9. All spots but seven in the lineup and pitching staff are open. Yeah.
10. Three prospects in the top 100 according to Baseball America. None cracked the top 20.
11. Finishing the tail end of Carlos Lee's $100 Million contract. In all fairness, if he played up to his contract he would be elsewhere.
12. No gun on the "throwback" Colt 45's jersey. Not that your average Astros diehard is going to want to reach for one this season.
13. 2003 had the Detroit Tigers. 2012 has the Houston Astros.
14. The fact that you could make a better baseball team out of players that grew up in Houston. Said team would include Josh Beckett, Carl Crawford, Michael Bourn and Adam Dunn. Three of which have commemorated Houston's poor performance with poor performances of their own.
15. Major League Baseball's 200,000th regular season game was played last season at Minute Maid Park. Nobody cared.
16. After more than 50 years in existence, the Astros have no championships. They are almost halfway to Cub-dom.
17. Second fiddle to the Rangers in the state of Texas.
18. Second fiddle to the Texans in Houston.
19. They were third fiddle until Case Keenum played his last game at Houston.
20. The Astros had the Bagwell-Biggio teams, the Berkman-Oswalt teams and were robbed of the Pence-Bourn teams. These are the suck-suck teams. I would feel bad calling these the Rodriguez-Quintero years. They have suffered enough.
21. Drayton McLane took the team to hell as a parting gift.
22. Their eventual move to the American League
23. All that losing the Astros are going to do against the Cubs.
24. In the wise words of *Drake,
26. ML rank in runs scored last season
27. ML rank in fielding last season
28. ML rank in ERA last season
29. ML rank in Home Runs last season
30. If one of these no-names carries the team to respectability by the All-Star Break, ESPN will ruin him too. Refer to Jeremy Lin and Tim Tebow.
31. Having Brett Myers on the team gives the Astros a leg up on the league in wife beaters.
32. Fans like this guy. Note to all men out there, letting a foul ball hit your girlfriend goes against everything manhood and Texas stand ford.
33. The worst team in the worst division in baseball. Also the worst team in baseball.
34. Jim Crane is considering changing the uniforms and team name. It worked for the Devil Rays, but the Devil Rays had terrible uniforms.
35. Best Free Agent Acquisition: Zach Duke. A non-roster Spring Training Invite.
36. Ryan Braun's test got overturned. That's two more losses.
37. The media actually has to cover this team for 162 games.
38. The team is almost bad enough that you expect them to be good all of a sudden. See Bad News Bears, Major League.
39. 2 million fans were treated to the 2011 Houston Astros.
40. Bad timing. These next top draft picks are no Strasburg/Harper.
41. Just an observation. Mariner pride runs deeper than Astro pride in Columbia, Missouri.
People I know here from Washington: 1
People I know here from Texas: 100
42. Thanks to you, Pittsburgh is not the laughing stock of the division.
43. Astros fans, remember Jason Castro? The Astros bring failed prospects of their own, not just other organizations.
44. It cost the Rays roughly 41 million dollars to win the wild card. It cost the Astros roughly 70 million to lose 106 games.
45. Brett Myers made approximately 20 percent of Tampa Bay's payroll last season. He posted a 7-14 record with a 4.46 ERA in Houston in 2011.
46. For all my Missouri readers out there, do you think Jordan Schafer supports "Show Me Cannabis?"
47. Milo Hamilton is calling it quits after 2012. I don't cuss on this blog often, but that's a shitty way to go out.
48. Winners never cheat. Cheaters never win. The Astros may not do either this season.
49. One year deals. One year deals everywhere.
50. Thanks to Spring Training, you get to give a demonstration of how bad this season will be.
51. Places your players go to honeymoon: Africa
52. New GM Jeff Luhnow compared Center Field Jordan "Show Me Cannabis" Schafer to Jacoby Ellsbury. I see disappointment in your future, sir.
53. The wrist of one Jimmy Paredes.
54. Dead last in arbitration spending. Because money doesn't win titles in baseball.
55. The expectation that the Houston Dynamo will be more a more compelling use of time this summer than the Houston Astros.
56. Jeff Bagwell is still believed to be a juicer.
57. The thought that this stretch of losing may be karma paying Houston back for the success they had in the mid-aughts that may or may not have been attributed to steroids. See Roger Clemens, Andy Pettite. The A's are suffering, perhaps for the same reason. How do I know this? Because they're still in Oakland.
58. The Home Run ball Albert Pujols hit off of Brad Lidge in the 2005 NLCS still hasn't landed.
59. To this day they are the only team to lose a World Series game because of their inability to get Geoff Blum out.
60. Like all of us, Astro fans will be subjected to corny M-V-Freese chants. Of course, David Freese is a Mizzou guy, which means that I don't mind said chants.
61. Knowing that no Astro will homer to straightaway center field.
62. Kids might pass on baseball this summer to take in Houston's breathtaking museum scene.
63. The Astros have two excellent pitchers in Bud Norris and Wandy Rodriguez. My money is on Norris going to Miami and Rodriguez finishing 2012 in San Francisco.
64. In 2004, the Royals traded Carlos Beltran to Houston, where he helped aid a playoff push en route to a big deal in New York. In 2014, look for a star outfielder to go from Houston to Kansas City. Man, the 2014 Royals are gonna be loaded.
65. Fans of the Chicago Cubs can enjoy their team when they don't win. Fans of the Astros must resort to doing kick-ass Texas stuff.
66. It will be a long time until Houston hosts an All-Star Game.
67. They lack the far superior farm system of the almighty Kansas City Royals.
68. Craig Biggio and Jeff Bagwell have no rings. Bagwell had to take the doggy door into a World Series at-bat.
69. Lance Berkman won a title. A title in St. Louis.
70. Speaking of St. Louis. The NL Central may follow up the Cards 11 in 11 season with the Astros achieving 112 in 12. By the tone of this list, I hope you know that does not mean wins.
71. With baseball out of the way, Houston Area residents have more time to dedicate to their favorite past time. Eating.
72. More bad "Houston we have a problem" jokes like the one I made prior to this list.
73. More time for Houston residents to dedicate to their flourishing rap scene. Or rap sheet. I forget which one.
74. The thought that if each batter comes up to "Niggas in Paris," you will have heard the song as many times sitting through nine innings at Minute Maid Park as you would have live for pennies on the dollar.
75. The Harrisburg Senators will have a better player this April than the Astros do. All Harris County residents are thinking the same thing after reading that last sentence.
76. Prince Fielder and Albert Pujols are now out of their division and league. In 2013, you will be moved to their league and The Machine's division.
77. What makes it even more sad is that you will be going from getting spanked by the Cubs to being spanked by the Mariners.
78. There is nothing underrated about this team. Seattle has a bullpen. The Cubs have Theo Epstein. The Astros owe Carlos Lee one more year of big money.
79. If music videos were still cool, Houston area rappers would be sporting your digs in videos that I would most likely see and laugh at in a not-so-subtle manner.
80. If you're a baseball lifer from the Houston Area, you could probably name at least 15 high school teams that you're more excited to watch this year than the Astros.
81. Thanks to McDonalds, the Houston Astros have a shot at becoming "The Egg McMuffin of Losing."
82. They have the coolest ballpark in baseball. The coolest ballpark in baseball will occupy the worst team. All abord the losing train.
83. If you show up to a game, people may still be complaining about the roof fiasco in 2005.
84. They only Houston you're going to hear about this summer is Whitney.
85. God forbid the Astros drive people to go see Joel Osteen.
86. Houston is looking at a potential platoon at Catcher.
87. Too many players competing for the closer role.
88. Houston may be taking a Stanford guy from Houston with the first pick this year. Unfortunately for them, it's not Andrew Luck.
89. Junction Jack is still one of the worst mascots in baseball
90. Scott Steiner, I'ma let you finish, but "Hop to It" is one of the worst catch phrases of all time.
91. Big 12 baseball is shaping up to be more exciting than the National League Central.
92. El Paso won't be the most brutal thing in Texas this summer.
93. Either will a July day game in Arlington.
94. Either will the 5th Ward.
95. The fourth largest city in the United States by population plays host to a small baseball market.
96. You know Minute Maid Field was once Enron Field.
97. Everything is bigger in Texas. Losing is no exception.
98. From Houston came Destiny's Child. From Destiny's Child came Beyonce. Beyonce married Jay-Z. Jay-Z released "99 Problems." That song inspired me to write about Houston's 99 problems. One of those problems is that six degrees of separation can help explain how bad this team is.
99. Somewhere in Central Missouri, a freelance blogger is writing about 99 problems that your team has.
*I constructed this rhyme, if that wasn't obvious enough.
X-FACTORS:
Rotation: Wandy Rodriguez. If he can get hot in the first half, he's bound to bring a decent prospect to Houston.
Lineup: Carlos Lee. Same reason as Wandy.
Bullpen: Everyone. We have no idea who is going to constitute this bullpen.
The Kids: 3B Jimmy Parades. All jokes aside, this may be his team in four years.
ROYAL LIST:
#34 1B Jonathan Singleton - Perhaps the best thing they have received from the Phillies since Michael Bourn
#50 SP Jarred Cosart - Live arm. Another trade piece that you will probably get to meet in September
#59 OF George Springer - Insert UConn baseball joke here.
PROJECTION: 6th Place NL Central and may God have mercy on our souls.
-This has been the worst I have seen a team look going into a season. At least those old Devil Rays teams had Aubrey Huff and a rotating cast of old stars who were playing out the stretch.
 |
| If you havin' baseball problems, I feel bad for you son. I've got 99 problems but a pitch ain't one. |
This edition of 30 in 30 will go through the 99 Problems of the Houston Astros.
1. That fact that I burst out laughing when I first saw the Astros projected starting lineup.
2. The elder statesmen of the Astros are Wandy Rodriguez and Humberto Quintero.
3. The return from trading Roy Oswalt.
4. A problem that I have is that Spring Valley native, J.A. Happ, struggled the way he did last season. Way to make the Prairie State look bad.
5. White Sox reject, Lucas Harrell, will be making an appearance at Spring Training. Yes, he will be competing for a spot in the rotation.
6. The only recognizable players here are over the hill, failed prospects and marginal role players from other squads.
7. If a star emerges this season, he will be traded sooner than later.
8. The return that the Astros received on Lance Berkman. On the bright side, Jimmy Paredes is competing for a spot in the lineup.
9. All spots but seven in the lineup and pitching staff are open. Yeah.
10. Three prospects in the top 100 according to Baseball America. None cracked the top 20.
11. Finishing the tail end of Carlos Lee's $100 Million contract. In all fairness, if he played up to his contract he would be elsewhere.
12. No gun on the "throwback" Colt 45's jersey. Not that your average Astros diehard is going to want to reach for one this season.
13. 2003 had the Detroit Tigers. 2012 has the Houston Astros.
14. The fact that you could make a better baseball team out of players that grew up in Houston. Said team would include Josh Beckett, Carl Crawford, Michael Bourn and Adam Dunn. Three of which have commemorated Houston's poor performance with poor performances of their own.
15. Major League Baseball's 200,000th regular season game was played last season at Minute Maid Park. Nobody cared.
16. After more than 50 years in existence, the Astros have no championships. They are almost halfway to Cub-dom.
17. Second fiddle to the Rangers in the state of Texas.
18. Second fiddle to the Texans in Houston.
19. They were third fiddle until Case Keenum played his last game at Houston.
20. The Astros had the Bagwell-Biggio teams, the Berkman-Oswalt teams and were robbed of the Pence-Bourn teams. These are the suck-suck teams. I would feel bad calling these the Rodriguez-Quintero years. They have suffered enough.
21. Drayton McLane took the team to hell as a parting gift.
22. Their eventual move to the American League
23. All that losing the Astros are going to do against the Cubs.
24. In the wise words of *Drake,
"Carlos Lee's gettin' old. Burns.
25. Having to take a flier on Livan Hernandez.26. ML rank in runs scored last season
27. ML rank in fielding last season
28. ML rank in ERA last season
29. ML rank in Home Runs last season
30. If one of these no-names carries the team to respectability by the All-Star Break, ESPN will ruin him too. Refer to Jeremy Lin and Tim Tebow.
31. Having Brett Myers on the team gives the Astros a leg up on the league in wife beaters.
32. Fans like this guy. Note to all men out there, letting a foul ball hit your girlfriend goes against everything manhood and Texas stand ford.
33. The worst team in the worst division in baseball. Also the worst team in baseball.
34. Jim Crane is considering changing the uniforms and team name. It worked for the Devil Rays, but the Devil Rays had terrible uniforms.
35. Best Free Agent Acquisition: Zach Duke. A non-roster Spring Training Invite.
36. Ryan Braun's test got overturned. That's two more losses.
37. The media actually has to cover this team for 162 games.
38. The team is almost bad enough that you expect them to be good all of a sudden. See Bad News Bears, Major League.
39. 2 million fans were treated to the 2011 Houston Astros.
40. Bad timing. These next top draft picks are no Strasburg/Harper.
41. Just an observation. Mariner pride runs deeper than Astro pride in Columbia, Missouri.
People I know here from Washington: 1
People I know here from Texas: 100
42. Thanks to you, Pittsburgh is not the laughing stock of the division.
43. Astros fans, remember Jason Castro? The Astros bring failed prospects of their own, not just other organizations.
44. It cost the Rays roughly 41 million dollars to win the wild card. It cost the Astros roughly 70 million to lose 106 games.
45. Brett Myers made approximately 20 percent of Tampa Bay's payroll last season. He posted a 7-14 record with a 4.46 ERA in Houston in 2011.
46. For all my Missouri readers out there, do you think Jordan Schafer supports "Show Me Cannabis?"
47. Milo Hamilton is calling it quits after 2012. I don't cuss on this blog often, but that's a shitty way to go out.
48. Winners never cheat. Cheaters never win. The Astros may not do either this season.
49. One year deals. One year deals everywhere.
50. Thanks to Spring Training, you get to give a demonstration of how bad this season will be.
51. Places your players go to honeymoon: Africa
52. New GM Jeff Luhnow compared Center Field Jordan "Show Me Cannabis" Schafer to Jacoby Ellsbury. I see disappointment in your future, sir.
53. The wrist of one Jimmy Paredes.
54. Dead last in arbitration spending. Because money doesn't win titles in baseball.
55. The expectation that the Houston Dynamo will be more a more compelling use of time this summer than the Houston Astros.
56. Jeff Bagwell is still believed to be a juicer.
57. The thought that this stretch of losing may be karma paying Houston back for the success they had in the mid-aughts that may or may not have been attributed to steroids. See Roger Clemens, Andy Pettite. The A's are suffering, perhaps for the same reason. How do I know this? Because they're still in Oakland.
58. The Home Run ball Albert Pujols hit off of Brad Lidge in the 2005 NLCS still hasn't landed.
59. To this day they are the only team to lose a World Series game because of their inability to get Geoff Blum out.
60. Like all of us, Astro fans will be subjected to corny M-V-Freese chants. Of course, David Freese is a Mizzou guy, which means that I don't mind said chants.
61. Knowing that no Astro will homer to straightaway center field.
62. Kids might pass on baseball this summer to take in Houston's breathtaking museum scene.
63. The Astros have two excellent pitchers in Bud Norris and Wandy Rodriguez. My money is on Norris going to Miami and Rodriguez finishing 2012 in San Francisco.
64. In 2004, the Royals traded Carlos Beltran to Houston, where he helped aid a playoff push en route to a big deal in New York. In 2014, look for a star outfielder to go from Houston to Kansas City. Man, the 2014 Royals are gonna be loaded.
65. Fans of the Chicago Cubs can enjoy their team when they don't win. Fans of the Astros must resort to doing kick-ass Texas stuff.
66. It will be a long time until Houston hosts an All-Star Game.
67. They lack the far superior farm system of the almighty Kansas City Royals.
68. Craig Biggio and Jeff Bagwell have no rings. Bagwell had to take the doggy door into a World Series at-bat.
69. Lance Berkman won a title. A title in St. Louis.
70. Speaking of St. Louis. The NL Central may follow up the Cards 11 in 11 season with the Astros achieving 112 in 12. By the tone of this list, I hope you know that does not mean wins.
71. With baseball out of the way, Houston Area residents have more time to dedicate to their favorite past time. Eating.
72. More bad "Houston we have a problem" jokes like the one I made prior to this list.
73. More time for Houston residents to dedicate to their flourishing rap scene. Or rap sheet. I forget which one.
74. The thought that if each batter comes up to "Niggas in Paris," you will have heard the song as many times sitting through nine innings at Minute Maid Park as you would have live for pennies on the dollar.
75. The Harrisburg Senators will have a better player this April than the Astros do. All Harris County residents are thinking the same thing after reading that last sentence.
76. Prince Fielder and Albert Pujols are now out of their division and league. In 2013, you will be moved to their league and The Machine's division.
77. What makes it even more sad is that you will be going from getting spanked by the Cubs to being spanked by the Mariners.
78. There is nothing underrated about this team. Seattle has a bullpen. The Cubs have Theo Epstein. The Astros owe Carlos Lee one more year of big money.
79. If music videos were still cool, Houston area rappers would be sporting your digs in videos that I would most likely see and laugh at in a not-so-subtle manner.
80. If you're a baseball lifer from the Houston Area, you could probably name at least 15 high school teams that you're more excited to watch this year than the Astros.
81. Thanks to McDonalds, the Houston Astros have a shot at becoming "The Egg McMuffin of Losing."
82. They have the coolest ballpark in baseball. The coolest ballpark in baseball will occupy the worst team. All abord the losing train.
83. If you show up to a game, people may still be complaining about the roof fiasco in 2005.
84. They only Houston you're going to hear about this summer is Whitney.
85. God forbid the Astros drive people to go see Joel Osteen.
86. Houston is looking at a potential platoon at Catcher.
87. Too many players competing for the closer role.
88. Houston may be taking a Stanford guy from Houston with the first pick this year. Unfortunately for them, it's not Andrew Luck.
89. Junction Jack is still one of the worst mascots in baseball
90. Scott Steiner, I'ma let you finish, but "Hop to It" is one of the worst catch phrases of all time.
91. Big 12 baseball is shaping up to be more exciting than the National League Central.
92. El Paso won't be the most brutal thing in Texas this summer.
93. Either will a July day game in Arlington.
94. Either will the 5th Ward.
95. The fourth largest city in the United States by population plays host to a small baseball market.
96. You know Minute Maid Field was once Enron Field.
97. Everything is bigger in Texas. Losing is no exception.
98. From Houston came Destiny's Child. From Destiny's Child came Beyonce. Beyonce married Jay-Z. Jay-Z released "99 Problems." That song inspired me to write about Houston's 99 problems. One of those problems is that six degrees of separation can help explain how bad this team is.
99. Somewhere in Central Missouri, a freelance blogger is writing about 99 problems that your team has.
*I constructed this rhyme, if that wasn't obvious enough.
X-FACTORS:
Rotation: Wandy Rodriguez. If he can get hot in the first half, he's bound to bring a decent prospect to Houston.
Lineup: Carlos Lee. Same reason as Wandy.
Bullpen: Everyone. We have no idea who is going to constitute this bullpen.
The Kids: 3B Jimmy Parades. All jokes aside, this may be his team in four years.
ROYAL LIST:
#34 1B Jonathan Singleton - Perhaps the best thing they have received from the Phillies since Michael Bourn
#50 SP Jarred Cosart - Live arm. Another trade piece that you will probably get to meet in September
#59 OF George Springer - Insert UConn baseball joke here.
PROJECTION: 6th Place NL Central and may God have mercy on our souls.
-This has been the worst I have seen a team look going into a season. At least those old Devil Rays teams had Aubrey Huff and a rotating cast of old stars who were playing out the stretch.
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